A Leader's Friendships
By Brian Houston
“A true friend is a friend to your destiny”
The people we do life with - our friends - have a significant impact on both our relationship with God and also our future. It is for this reason that we as leaders should be setting a great example when it comes to our friendships, giving others something to follow.
In Proverbs 27:6, it says “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” The key word in this scripture is ‘faithful’. The true spirit of friendship is faithfulness, but there may be times when being a faithful friend would cause us to have to confront or chastise. This is never easy as it has the potential of wounding or hurting a friend, but for their sake, it is necessary.
Let me give you a simple example, which I am sure all of us have experienced at some point. You have just finished a meal and unbeknownst to you, spinach has imbedded itself between your front teeth. You talk to people, smile and get on with your day unaware of the green bits in your teeth. There are three ways a friend could respond to this situation:
- The faithful way which is to tell you
- The faithless way which is to say nothing
- The unfaithful way which is saying nothing directly to you but then going and telling someone else about your misfortune
I am sure we would all hope we have faithful friends that are willing to risk ‘wounding’ us in order to prevent us being further embarrassed or hurt by our actions or lack thereof!
Conversely, I, like you, want to be this kind of friend to others. To achieve this, I believe we need to guard against the following seven things that have the potential of irrevocably wounding or damaging our friendships:
1. Disloyalty
Proverbs 27:6 states that, “The kisses of an enemy are deceitful”. It is talking about those who are friendly to our face but stab us the moment our back is turned. Just like Judas who was paid 30 pieces of silver to betray Jesus, and he did so with a kiss.
Loyalty is one of the great strengths of any friendship. In 1 Samuel 18:1-6, we read how Jonathan remained loyal to his friend David in spite of his father’s anger and the fact it would affect his royal standing in the future.
As leaders, loyalty in our friendships is important, but we also need to be aware that loyalties can become misguided. Therefore there is a need for parameters for the greater allegiances in our life. For instance, no friendship should distract us from our relationship with God, our destiny or the work of the Lord. Nor should a friendship pull us away from our marriage or family, or detrimentally affect other friendships.
Another scripture that speaks of friendship is Proverbs 18:24. In the Amplified Bible, it reads, “The man of many friends [a friend of all the world] will prove himself a bad friend, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”.
There will be times when we will have to make choices about who and what we will be friends with. Many want to try to be everyone’s friend, but the reality is we cannot be friends with everybody, as it will ultimately dilute our ability to be a good friend to anyone. When it comes to our loyalties, we have to make kingdom choices.
2. Inconsistency
An inconsistent friend is like a fisherman who begins to reel a fish in, only to let the line out again. In terms of friends these are the people that give a little but then pull back, making it difficult to know where the friendship stands.
An old wound such as fear or distrust can fuel inconsistency and in turn cause someone to keep drawing back. Therefore it is important as leaders that we work on areas that would inhibit our ability to be a consistent friend. That means counting the cost, embracing people and allowing them into our life.
3. Self-destruction
Some people expect friends to support them, no matter what they do. In the long run, making it easy for a friend who consistently makes poor lifestyle choices won’t help them. We always need to be kind, but often the best thing we can do as a faithful friend is to confront the issue.
Psalm 101:3 says, “I will set nothing wicked before my eyes; I hate the work of those who fall away; It shall not cling to me”.
The scripture speaks about not allowing the ‘works’ or ‘actions’ of those who choose to walk away from God to ‘cling’ to us. The reality is that certain things do stick, and as leaders, we need to decide what we will and won’t allow to cling to us.
Paul said this in 2 Thessalonians 3:6, “But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us.” He instructed us to, “withdraw from those who walk disorderly…” He was talking about those people who are out of step with our lifestyle and thinking.
Sometimes we need to tell people that we are moving forward and not down their path of self-destruction. In so doing, we refuse to accept or condone behaviour that will ultimately be detrimental to their future.
4. Broken Confidences
When I was a teenager, I remember sharing with my youth leader about some things that were happening in my life at the time. I had made myself vulnerable as I trusted him and his counsel. I later found out that he shared what I had told him with his wife, who in turn told someone else. This broken confidence left me feeling betrayed and hurt.
Leaders who are faithful in their friendships need to know when to button their lips. With respect to this, I have learnt the following three things:
- Don’t lend your ear to anything you’re not prepared to give your mouth to
- Don’t offload to others as a leader. Don’t put that pressure on people, if it’s not going to help them
- Don’t put unfair expectations on others to carry secrets that sometimes may prevent them helping you
5. Opportunism
I am sure many of us have experienced a friendship that was driven by a personal agenda or ulterior motive. The Bible says in Proverb 14:20, “The poor man is hated even by his own neighbour, but the rich has many friends.” It is referring to the fact that the friends of a rich man are in it for themselves, focused on the personal benefits and opportunities the friendship will bring.
As leaders, our friendships need to be genuine. It is not about what we can gain from others, but rather how we can contribute to people’s lives.
6. Poor Example & Poor Mentality
As leaders, we are all about helping people, but there is a potential danger for our churches to become hospitals where we nurse people’s wounds instead of actively working towards people becoming healed and whole.
There are those people who walk into our churches broken, but refuse to believe there is a way out of their brokenness. They want to be accepted as they are, rather than change their ways. Some people build friendships around these wounds, which can perpetuate poor thinking and poor example.
We need to be committed to building our friendships according to the highest common denominator; what God has corporately called us to do and encouraging our friends to reach their potential.
We can actually wound a friendship by lowering our example to line up with their poor thinking or example as it condones their behaviour. Our role as faithful friends is to help people accept responsibility for changing and growing in order to become all God has called them to be.
7. Being manipulative or controlling
Healthy friendships are something we invest, contribute towards and build. However, time and again I have seen people become insecure about their friendships. They become threatened if their friend talks to or sees other friends.
A friendship is not something we own or possess. A controlling, manipulative spirit will only end up wounding a friendship.
You can lead by example in your friendships by being loyal to your friends, being consistent and refusing to go down the path to self-destruction with them. A faithful friend will keep confidences; keep their motives pure and build on the highest common denominator. Rather than being manipulative and controlling, make a decision to contribute and bring encouragement to all your friendships.
Ask yourself the following Leadership Measures in relation to all your relationships:
- Is it hurting my relationship with God?
- Is it distracting me from my call or purpose?
- Is it destructive to the work of the Lord?
- Is if helpful to my marriage or family?
- Is it going to take away from the network of relationships God has given me?
© Brian Houston 2006 & © Bobbie Houston 2006
For more of Brian’s teaching on building lasting relationships, click here
